Will You Still Love Me, Tomorrow?
So, it’s been just over a week since I started this blogging adventure. And in that time, I have learnt a number of things, many of them about myself.
I don’t really know what I expected would come of this whole thing to be honest. I know that’s not really the way you are supposed to approach anything anymore. You’re supposed to have set goals and outcomes in mind, figures and endpoints, stretch targets etc. But I’m none of that.
What I am is a stay at home mum, and accidental housewife, who is bored AF trying to find things to do in order to avoid actual housework, and is also strangely unfulfilled by being treated like a maid (yes, I realise that is probably my fault!) by three people under 11.
Luckily my poor dear husband knows better than to expect me to actually do much with the embarrassing amount of free time I have now that the kids are at school. Of course I could easily clean the house and be completely on top of everything like a total boss, its just that I don’t really want to. Whenever I go to embark on a massive house clean I usually end up telling myself that it would be SUCH A WASTE OF ALL THIS FREE TIME!! Makes no sense, I know, but freedom messes with your mind after 10 years at home with kids.
Anyway, when I decided to take a gap year this year, I decided what I really wanted to do was write. I’ve always loved to write. While others would play with their siblings (I don’t have any), or have some kind of imaginary game with their Barbies (hated them), I was the weird kid in the corner starting (though never finishing) my latest book.
So this was it, my big chance to do something I’d always wanted to do. I spent FOREVER setting up the website (because I am the female equivalent of Mr Bean with technology) and putting together a few posts. I thought I’d just throw it out and see what happens. But, when it actually came time to put it out there and have people read it!? Holy SHITE. Whole different story.
And it occurred to me, that what I was actually doing was asking people to LIKE ME (or if not me, my ‘work’). And how hard is that!?!
By the time you’re a reasonably aged adult you’re sure to have known some detractors. Mean girls at school, horrible bosses, horrible ‘friends’. People who revel in trying to take away a little piece of you, and how you feel about yourself. I hadn’t thought about that stuff in ages, but when you go to put a little piece of your soul on the line it all comes rushing back; what if it’s stupid, what if no one likes/follows/reads it…essentially, it boiled down to: what if I’m not good enough!?!
And so, embarrassingly, I rode the ‘likes’ as they came in. I rode them like a crazed class president hopeful counting votes in a Mean Girls movie. My husband tried some amateur man psychology “it’s ok, some people just wont like it” (seriously, WTF!?! Luckily he’s an accountant and not a psychologist), and I think my friends were a bit taken aback by my abject latent neediness!
THANKFULLY, a dear friend reached out and gave me the virtual bitch slap I so desperately needed. She rightly pointed out that I was no more or less liked – or “good enough” - the day after I launched my blog than the day before (though I very well might be if I didn’t stop with my ridiculous behaviour!!). Of course she was right, but I had totally lost sight of that.
It’s such a pity that even for a mostly secure, three-quarters hinged person (ok, maybe half!) the intrinsic, reaction to taking a personal risk is to let voices past (or present) mess with your mind and put you off your game, even if momentarily. So, eventually, I saw fit to shut the desperate loser act down.
Luckily, "going forward", the upside of not having any targets to meet is that you can’t NOT meet them (not that I am suggesting that as any kind of actual business strategy!). So, as long as I can maintain the composure I have regained since my little 'blog launch freak out', I’m still here doing what I set out to do (whether anyone's reading it or not) in the first place…writing shit down, instead of cleaning shit up!! WINNER!!