Wax on, wax off!
Having your first child is possibly THE most memorable event ever to happen in your time on earth. Many will remember best their baby’s tiny little hands, or their smell, or funny sounds. But for me, anything to do with my first born child comes a VERY distant second to the one thing that is etched into my mind from the day he arrived…
Let me explain. Pre-kids I was always waxed and buffed and polished to within an inch of my life. I would not have been seen dead with a stray leg or eyebrow hair, let alone a rollicking great set of koala ears (google that if you don’t know what it means – though definitely NOT at work!).
BUT When I was about 12 weeks pregnant I went for my usual waxing appointment and to my utter dismay, it HURT LIKE HELL! Apparently this is a ‘thing’ in pregnancy as the blood is closer to the skin or some such but I was so completely traumatised the gorgeous waxing lady wrote “That really hurt” on my receipt to show my husband! I was so effected in fact, that I let the next appointment slip and soon enough I couldn’t see my own feet, let alone the state of “the hair down there” so, well, out of sight out of mind.
Now, I have no idea why my husband never said anything about it but I can only assume (or HOPE) that the situation was in fact obscured by my gigantic excess fluid filled belly. Anyway, I obviously wasn’t going to let other people catch me un-waxed, so I confirmed with my waxer that I’d be back for a thorough going over before delivery. Which was a truly awesome plan…UNTIL I went into labour FOUR WEEKS FUCKING EARLY!!
Unsurprisingly this took us both a bit off guard and at 5am, two 27 year olds who had no idea what they were doing rocked up at the delivery suite without so much as a hint of a thought for hair removal. A quick few hours later and we had a baby on our hands, and a tummy that wasn’t quite as mountainous as it had been. And there it was, in AALLLLLLL it’s terrifying glory:
A GIANT and alarming, never before seen, wild and unbounded, mortifying FORREST of a lady garden!!!! I mean seriously, never in my life have I seen anything like it – I could have plaited it, knitted several scarves for the needy AND donated some to make a wig. It was a collection of pubic hair so vast and voluminous, I would not have been in the least bit surprised if a small fawn and a couple of rabbits running came scampering out and ran amok around the delivery suite.
Quite simply, it was UN-FUCKING-BELIEVEABLE and is, unfortunately, THE THING I remember most about that day, even now more than ten years on.
Obviously, at the time, I was HORRIFIED! I can honestly say I have NO idea where my precious newborn was at that moment because what I DO remember is using both hands to grab at the sheets and try to cover that shit UP!! Unfortunately, they were still trying to sew my legs back on at this point so were not particularly thrilled with my thrashing about trying to get a sheet over the whole situation. Still, I would rather have had a leg sewn on wonky than to have my monstrous merkin on display for one SECOND longer!!
Needless to say I NEVER let pregnancy get in the way of a good wax again. Consider this a public (or should that be pubic!?) service announcement!!