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Don't Drink And Shop.

Don't Drink And Shop.

Everyone has those days. You know the ones where you’ve pretty much had enough of your kids already by the time you’re on the way out the gates at pickup time? My children seem to put so much energy into being good at school, they just cannot hold on one minute longer once that bell goes and it’s a giant shit storm of pent up frustration, emotion and hitherto unreleased evil before you even hit the car.

On those days, it is not entirely unreasonable to be forced into pouring a sneaky glass of wine “just to take the edge off’ at say, like, 4pm.

One particular day I had retreated to a corner of the kitchen with a big ‘ol bowl of wine which resulted in me being pretty close to sideways by the time my husband came home.

Eventually I found myself sitting up in bed at about 10.30 with something approaching a hangover having exhausted my wine supply at around 7. After watching some show or another hubby turned off the light and went to sleep, leaving me sitting up in the dark with my hangover, my phone and the TV remote. First Mistake.

Now, I’m not great at remembering all the numbers for the Foxtel channels, and every time I think I’ve got them down they go and shuffle them around again so I’ve just about given up. Instead, I just start at the bottom and scroll (and scroll) up until I find something interesting. A lot of the time, this is never..as it was this particular night when I scrolled right off the end of the actual (occasionally) watchable channels and into TV shopping channel territory. And there she was, right there on TVSN – which I SWEAR I have never watched before – a spritely, yet oddly relaxed, TV sales poppet propped up in a gigantic white pleather massage chair!!

And by GOD did she look comfortable!?! I mean seriously, she just looked like she was about to float off onto a cloud, and while she was there being all relaxed and ethereal she was talking DIRECTLY TO ME about why I needed this chair! And TV poppet lady was right, a giant white reclining massage chair was exactly what I needed!! I had had a Very. Hard. Day.

Being a lovely and responsible wife, I woke my sleeping husband and asked if I could have one. And I SWEAR (though he denies it to this day) he literally said “you can have whatever you want”. Second mistake, right there. So, I hurriedly tapped out my purchase on my tiny phone screen…and promptly went to sleep.

We call her GIGANTOR.

We call her GIGANTOR.

When I woke up in the morning, it all seemed like a bit of a ridiculous dream and I wondered if it had actually happened. There were no incriminating emails on my phone so I just figured in my exhausted/drunken/hungover state I’d probably tried to order one but the universe had kindly put itself in my path.

Woah Nelly! Two weeks later I get a text message that reads “Your purchase from TVSN is scheduled for delivery tomorrow”. Oh. Shit!

And sure enough, the following day a box that would easily have served as shelter for a small donkey “arrived” on our doorstep. I sheepishly unpacked the box and there it was in all its glory. A giant, white, padded, faux leather, heated, massage chair. With cankle slots.

It was HUGE, and it was hideous. And worse, there was nowhere to put it other than downstairs where EVERYONE would see it. I tried to style it with a artily draped throw, but you know what they say…you can’t polish a turd. Oh, the, shame!!

The moral of this story? If your kids drive you to drink, that’s absolutely fine. Just make sure your partner removes access to your phone, wallet and TV remote before they leave you unattended.

Oh, and also, if you accidentally buy a massage chair, your Mum will come around very often.

Stand up, be counted, sit down, shut up.

Stand up, be counted, sit down, shut up.

I just want to eat my f*cking lunch!!

I just want to eat my f*cking lunch!!